First Journal Entry

Date: April 27, 2024 | Time: 10:35 PM

Hello Online friends/ Strangers. This is my first Journal entry and I am currently under the weather. I'm starting to feel better and I've taken Nyquil to help me overcome this sickness. On Friday, I had a presentation as my final exam. I was very nervous because I barely have to do presentations, so it was very nerve-wracking. Nonetheless, I did it and I felt good after doing it; it wasn't so bad after all. Currently, I'm in my room, avoiding my family members that came over, I just said hi and went back into my room. I feel bad but I'm just feeling sick and I just don't want to talk to anybody. I'm more focused on myself and having these 2 weeks of break before I start to work. I'm talking in circles but let's start with what I did in the early morning of this day. I woke up around 6 and then went back to sleep around 8. Woke up once again and scrolled through YouTube. I deleted Instagram and I'm trying to not use social media as much. I'm on a social media cleanse. I started to watch more Caseoh and I love his funny videos, he makes me laugh on my worst days. Crazy how we can rely on certain things for happiness, well not everything but I do rely on YouTube videos to get through the day. Especially now since I used to spend most of my days on Instagram. Why? Because I would compare myself to Instagram models and all the pretty girls on there, it just made me more insecure about myself and I didn't want to go through my phase of hating myself again. SO I decided to save myself before it was too late…but now that I am writing this or typing this as you may say. I actually did let it affect me, I feel so insecure in my body. I stopped caring about my appearance because either way I still feel ugly, like the one poem “lipstick on a pig”. As the day went on I took my medicine, played some supermarket simulator and of course edited my website. My dad and brother came back from their job duties, I had not seen them since New Year's. I missed them and I'm glad they came back. Now back to the present time, I'm sitting down typing and watching the Caseoh video: The Stanley Parable. I forgot to mention that my brother bought boba for everybody and mine didn't come because they were out of stock of the one I wanted :( I was so upset because I really wanted that Strawberry Slush, I almost shed a tear. I'm going to try to get some tomorrow so I don't keep thinking about the flavor. Well, this is the most I'm going to write, now I'm going to edit my website more. I'm also planning to take my dad out to dinner and treat him to a birthday. His birthday was on April 25. So it was 2 days ago. BYEeee I'll make another entry tomorrow.

Tough thoughts

Date: May 13, 2024 | Time: 1:56 AM

It's currently almost 2 in the morning and I am stressing myself out because I decided it was a good idea to sign up for summer classes at the last minute. Now I am seeing I have to pay like 2, 000 but I dont have the money for that right now. I am trying to apply for summer aid but I need to check something before I fill out the form. That's even if they give me some aid for the summer. If not, I have to pay for these classes out of pocket. Well I am trying not to cry about it but it is really frustrating me, so i just dropped all of them and now i'm going to talk about it with my dad today but later on the day. Now I am hearing the footsteps of my dad and my brother as they are preparing to leave to work, they work out of state. So it's like a 6hr drive or more. I could be wrong but I hope god protects them and they have a safe trip. I just realized that maybe my eyesight is getting worse because right now my laptop screen looks more blurry than I remember. BTW do you believe that carrots improve your eyesight, idk if i believe it. Some other things I've been meaning to talk about is my weight loss journey. I have been fluctuating from losing to gaining weight this whole year and last year. I am now just starting to get the hang of things so I am going to talk about my progress in my journal writings. As in my personal life and mental health I am doing okay. I know it could be better but right now okay is as good as it will get. I got into a small argument with one of my friends. This is the second time this has happened. We didn't talk for over 2 months I believe but we talked again. I reached out but i don't think i will be doing that again because it's useless at this point, I've been meaning to go away from the world and distance myself. Not because I don't care about them more, but because I just need time to reflect on myself and get into healing myself. It's gotten bad to the point that everyone irritates me, I don't want to blow up at the people I care about. You know how Cory takes breaks for a long time, that's what I want to do, is to just disappear. Maybe one day I'll even move out of the country and live in my own small house away from this place I've come to know and grow up in. I never really saw myself thinking this way, I never thought I would want to move out the country. I think that's the best for me though, I truly don't believe that in this country anyone would like me enough, I don't think my soulmate is here, maybe I'm just meant to love the people around me and not find my love. Maybe I am not even destined to have my happy family ending, everyone knows that I want to have kids. Starting to seem like I am going to become a stray cat lady with adopted kids, which I don't mind but I would like to have kids of my own with my husband. It's important to have that father figure for them, I can only be a mother figure. I don't want to struggle with a crisis, having a father is important. You know it's bad once I started to ask God why has it taken a long time for me to find a lover. I know I'm only 19 but it seems like everyone around me has experience. My mom says that the longer someone waits for their true love they end up getting an amazing husband, idk if she says that because she believes in it or she's just trying to make me feel better. I'll wait for him, but I hope he comes soon ... .whatever god and the universe has in store for me i'll accept it. I feel like I'm at my lowest mentally. Not even my other childhood memories made me feel this way. I feel like a failure in life, I feel ugly, I feel like litter on the floor, getting run over by cars again and again. Waiting to get picked up and placed in the right place. I know I essentially just called myself trash, I know I'm harsh on myself, I know what to do, I know I have to love myself because if i dont no one else will. I promise you I will try hard, the more I do the more flaws I find in myself. When I do have those times where I feel pretty, I cherish them, they happen rarely. I wish they would happen more often, often enough to the point I feel like I've fallen in love with myself. I haven't even felt pretty in a long time, it's gotten worse to the point if I'm in public I want to run away. I get anxious and I hate when people stare at me, I feel like they are judging me. I wear makeup here and there but even so it's like that one poem that says its makeup on a pig. I feel like a freaking warthog, like i've been at the drive through of burger king 24/7. Ending this journal with thanking anyone who took the time to read my journal rant. Stay safe like always, and just love earth. Bye till next time. LOVE Morelia.